Vignettes

I was reading aloud at an Al Anon meeting, and someone at the church upstairs was playing bass guitar. I started reading on pace with the guitar. “We’re going, to know, a new happiness – and a new freedom. We’ll intuitively know, how to deal with situations, which used, to baffle us. We’ll suddenly realize, that God, is doing for us, what we could not do, for ourselves. Are these, extravagant promises? We think not.”

I told my friend who goes to AA about this, and he said, "We are not a glum lot."

Opening up on the outbreath

It's not good to trail off. I recently watched a voice training video about trailing off. The written version is here:

http://www.voiceandspeech.com/articles/trailing-off.html

When you trail off as you speak, people don't listen to you. If you start opening up on the last word, you're compelling. There are other keys to not trailing off, but that's the one I'm focusing on. I noticed that when I meditate in the same spirit, my meditation is more pleasurable and enjoyable. Open up at the end. Here's the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMVutzVQ00o

Becoming Happy by Feeling your Body - Emotion Mapping Feedback Hypothesis

I came up with a theory today as I was reading about the Emotion Mapping theory. Apparently we feel our emotions in different parts of the body. You can see above that we feel happiness as physiological arousal or response throughout the body, and love as most of the body with more on the top. The other emotions are mostly top, with deactivation on the bottom.

What if we intentionally made our bottom halves respond? What if we created activation like the happiness map? I tried this today and I was happy all day. I had my dad, who is depressed, try it, and he said he felt relaxed. It's worth studying in a lab, but as I am not currently in a lab it's for thought only.

Hakuin, the 16th century Zen master, came up with a meditation where he kept focus and the idea of heat on the bottom half of his body. This is similar to the happiness map. Why not make our bodies correspond to happiness, that way we can just be happy all time?

Of course, disgust, anxiety, and rumination may pop up now and again. Here's where mindfulness training helps. Bring your attention back to the bottom of your body, with some attention on the top as well. Feel the happiness there. This happiness may be shallow, but it's still happiness. It's meaningless happiness, but it is borne of knowledge rather than wishful thinking.

The facial feedback hypothesis says that if we smile, we become happy. Some researchers have discredited this original test. However, smiling is only the topmost part of the body. What if we smiled with out feet, our torsos, and our faces? Maybe that's a quick happiness hack.

Being Easy On Yourself When You Have Mental Illness

I am often told, "Don't be so hard on yourself." What does this mean, though? In my view, there is an aspect of bipolar where we are perpetually misunderstood. Some say people with my situation seek validation and approval, while others say we are too hard on ourselves. I think that is missing the point slightly. Actually, I am also an Al-anon, an adult child of an alcoholic. Part of this thinking is that my mind is very dark, but I let people in often. When I do, they feel sorry for me. It's not that I'm unhappy. I just have a different way of processing. https://coaisathing.com/2018/07/04/stop-trying-to-fix-me/ . This was written about here. People trying to fix you is inevitable, particularly with my background. However, "don't be so hard on yourself" always feels like a kick in the gut. It's essentially saying, "You need to have unconditional love for yourself," and since it's applied in the negative, it means, "You lack unconditional love." It is intended as helpful, but the fact is the person simply can't get into the mind of someone who's struggling. There are some helpful tips for this though.

1. Don't overshare.

People who are pitied often overshare, according to one Quora post.

2. If someone accepts you, that's enough

We do need validation in small doses, but it doesn't mean we need it from everyone. We really do need one person out there to unconditionally love us, and seeking that is not selfish. Nor is it a sign of insecurity. I have found that, but not everyone has. Keep looking and don't feel bad about it.

3. Communicate that you require respect

Some people in my life used to walk all over me. I was a doormat. I decided to advocate for myself by saying, "I have a mental illness, as you know.  I need you to be nice to me to reduce my stress levels. Even if it doesn't feel natural to you, it will help me greatly. Please do this." People generally comply. Those who don't, usually disrespect everyone around them, not just you.

Bipolar and mood journals

I was once saved from mania by a mood journal. I think you can do the same thing, if you have bipolar and are intent on regulating it. As I tracked my moods daily, I started to notice that as I was tracking my "frustration" levels on the mood journal, they started going up considerably. I noticed that my moods shifted abruptly towards a "4 out of 4" on frustration and a "3 out of 4" on grandiosity. I was escalating with my enlightened/unenlightened grandiosity. That is, I started to think that I was enlightened, or I started to think, "I've overcome the idea of enlightenment, and therefore I'm enlightened, but I've overcome that," ad infinitum. It was almost like a racing thought. I soon went to my psychiatrist who upped my meds after I nervously explained how I was feeling. He told me they would curb my frustration. It worked.

There was more going on at the time. After I went to my therapy appointment, I discovered that I had recently lost sleep because I was planning to go skydiving. Solution? Don't do anything crazy. Don't jump out of a plane. Sure, the jump would be safe, but the mania would not be. Then, I also had a problem with a mentor of mine who basically eviscerated me. Solution? Don't talk to this person again. There are lots of things you can do when your interpersonal relationships are moving towards stress.

Mood journals are available via DBSA. http://www.facingus.org. They have many questions each day you can fill out, and for me I feel proud after completing it because I'm tracking my health. If you're more private you can do it on your own, on paper. I don't think they misuse your info, but it's up to you. It is very helpful for those intent on managing bipolar.

I end this by saying good luck as you manage bipolar. For me, it's a journey. It's almost a mythic quest, minus the grandeur. It's a purpose, and a good one. I didn't ask to have bipolar, but there are things I can do about it. I can track my moods, I can go to my appointments, I can take my meds, and I can look out for stressors and life changes. Good luck to you in your journey.

sarvam atmavasham sukham

sarvam paravasham dukham

sarvam atmavasham sukham

sarve mangalam bhavatu

sarvam atmavasham mangalam

sarve atmavasham bhavatu

I Will Write Down My Expenses This Month

This month I'm going to write down everything I spend, as one blogger puts it, all the way down to a bottle of soda. I actually buy a lot of soda so that's not nothing. I mostly buy food, but it's expensive food. I'll see if that can reduce my spending and increase the amount of money I have.

When I really recorded my eating habits, my calories were reduced just from doing that. I gained most of the weight back but also put on a lot of muscle from lifting. So I'll see if the same can happen with writing down my expenses. Maybe just having to go through the hassle of recording it will make me save. It is an experiment.

PART 2 (July 21st 2019)

I wrote down my expenses for a month. I showed you the "before" picture, what I was thinking and everything. Now is the aftermath. I cut down my fast food expenses a lot. Some days I managed to go from spending 20 dollars a day to maybe $2.12 a day. The $2.12 would be on a bottle of soda or something. Some days I didn't even spend any money at all. 0 dollars. That feels really good to see in an Excel spreadsheet.

It made me a little more aware of how much money I was taking in. I decided to apply for a second job as I tracked my expenses.

Overall, I think it can't hurt to do this kind of thing. Tracking your behavior is a good way to improve. I have tracked my calories through www.myfitnesspal.com, I've tracked my moods through www.facingus.org, and now I track my finances. Actually, part 3 shall be looking for apps to track finances.