This sentence is a half-truth.

This sentence is a half-truth. 

A Second Epistemological Nightmare

I was insane. I believed I was an enlightened being. I eventually came back to reality. I began studying Zen meditation due to my initial spiritual yearnings. I heard that everyone was Buddha, so I said to the Zen master:

"I think I had Dai Kensho.” That meant enlightenment. I described my experience.

"What you just described has NOTHING to do with Dai Kensho!”

"I think I’m Buddha."

"A Buddha never says, “I am Buddha.” He said.

"I’m special,” I said.

"No."

"It’s good to try to be special”

“No.”

By "enlightened" I meant unconditionally acceptable and so forth, so I said:

"By enlightened I mean unconditionally acceptable."

"You are that, but leave Buddha out of it," he said.

It was very distressing. I came to hate the whole process, and the teacher. I saw a psychologist about it.

"I think I'm the best."

"It's OK to think that," said the psychologist.

"My Zen teacher won't say I'm the best,"

“It’s more important to trust yourself,” she said.

"The Zen teacher is 100% certain, and said that it's a fact that I'm not the best."

"The Zen teacher's being true to himself," said the psychologist.

I used every kind of logic to figure this out, just as the empirical epistemologist did. Then upon reading his account for the 10th time, I emailed Raymond Smullyan, the 95 year old author, magician, pianist, Taoist, logician who wrote the story. He responded with silence. He was basically a wizard. But then I realized.

I didn't really believe I was enlightened. Last time I believed that, I was insane. Then I was doubtful about own beliefs. I didn’t even believe that I had beliefs about it. I didn't even believe that I was happy, even when I said I was happy, which the Zen master also pointed out.

He told me not to follow him. Still, however, I trusted the Zen master. This led to the empirical epistemologist’s nightmare. I listened to him saying not to listen to him, so I was still listening to him.

The voice in my head lingered. I kept saying, “I’m enlightened,” followed by the echoes of the Zen master saying, “just saying that means you’re far from enlightenment.” This haunted me for years, until one day my “I’m enlightened” voice got fed up with the “Zen master” voice and stopped talking to him. Both voices remained but they weren’t on speaking terms, and so I was cured. Stephen Wright had an old joke with the same wording as this, but it suddenly rang true for me.  

The Zen master was a good and reliable Zen master. The problem came when I used him to prove my own existence. It turned into Smullyan’s “cybernetic wobble.” The Zen master never said he wasn’t a good teacher.  He  only said I shouldn’t listen to him, and he was right.

To lose weight on antipsychotics, try staying hungry

There was a great post about general health and why being hungry sometimes isn't the worst thing.

https://paleoleap.com/how-and-why-to-get-comfortable-with-hunger/

Basically, we often think we're hungry when we're really just having cravings, and we never experience real hunger. If you really are starving or even very hungry, you should eat. However, a craving is something you don't need to indulge.

I was recently upped with my Depakote from 750 mg to 1000 mg a day. I soon gained 10 pounds, though my waist size fortunately is close to the same. Still, I exercise 3 days a week, walk every day, eat vegetarian, take protein supplements, and log my calories. What am I doing wrong? Well, with Depakote, there are metabolic factors. Therefore, the only answer is to sometimes let myself be hungry. The hunger is illusory in that it's just an extreme craving brought about by medication. My metabolism is slowed down so I know I don't really need the food. It's very unpleasant, but it'll pay off with with greater health, status, wellbeing, and insecure confidence. By insecure I mean it's no replacement for feeling like a good person, which has nothing to do with how much I weigh.


Of course, if you're anorexic don't follow that advice. Use common sense. Don't starve yourself. I'd recommend at least 1500 calories a day, which is a lot less than what I usually eat with the medicine.

Another piece of advice: Chew slowly. Chewing more times is not necessary, but the rate at which you chew food will help. So for example, if I chew 10 times in 5 seconds, change it to 10 times in 20 seconds. This causes you to really enjoy the food more after you adjust to it over a few days. You'll also eat less.

Vignettes

I was reading aloud at an Al Anon meeting, and someone at the church upstairs was playing bass guitar. I started reading on pace with the guitar. “We’re going, to know, a new happiness – and a new freedom. We’ll intuitively know, how to deal with situations, which used, to baffle us. We’ll suddenly realize, that God, is doing for us, what we could not do, for ourselves. Are these, extravagant promises? We think not.”

I told my friend who goes to AA about this, and he said, "We are not a glum lot."

Opening up on the outbreath

It's not good to trail off. I recently watched a voice training video about trailing off. The written version is here:

http://www.voiceandspeech.com/articles/trailing-off.html

When you trail off as you speak, people don't listen to you. If you start opening up on the last word, you're compelling. There are other keys to not trailing off, but that's the one I'm focusing on. I noticed that when I meditate in the same spirit, my meditation is more pleasurable and enjoyable. Open up at the end. Here's the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMVutzVQ00o

Becoming Happy by Feeling your Body - Emotion Mapping Feedback Hypothesis

I came up with a theory today as I was reading about the Emotion Mapping theory. Apparently we feel our emotions in different parts of the body. You can see above that we feel happiness as physiological arousal or response throughout the body, and love as most of the body with more on the top. The other emotions are mostly top, with deactivation on the bottom.

What if we intentionally made our bottom halves respond? What if we created activation like the happiness map? I tried this today and I was happy all day. I had my dad, who is depressed, try it, and he said he felt relaxed. It's worth studying in a lab, but as I am not currently in a lab it's for thought only.

Hakuin, the 16th century Zen master, came up with a meditation where he kept focus and the idea of heat on the bottom half of his body. This is similar to the happiness map. Why not make our bodies correspond to happiness, that way we can just be happy all time?

Of course, disgust, anxiety, and rumination may pop up now and again. Here's where mindfulness training helps. Bring your attention back to the bottom of your body, with some attention on the top as well. Feel the happiness there. This happiness may be shallow, but it's still happiness. It's meaningless happiness, but it is borne of knowledge rather than wishful thinking.

The facial feedback hypothesis says that if we smile, we become happy. Some researchers have discredited this original test. However, smiling is only the topmost part of the body. What if we smiled with out feet, our torsos, and our faces? Maybe that's a quick happiness hack.

Being Easy On Yourself When You Have Mental Illness

I am often told, "Don't be so hard on yourself." What does this mean, though? In my view, there is an aspect of bipolar where we are perpetually misunderstood. Some say people with my situation seek validation and approval, while others say we are too hard on ourselves. I think that is missing the point slightly. Actually, I am also an Al-anon, an adult child of an alcoholic. Part of this thinking is that my mind is very dark, but I let people in often. When I do, they feel sorry for me. It's not that I'm unhappy. I just have a different way of processing. https://coaisathing.com/2018/07/04/stop-trying-to-fix-me/ . This was written about here. People trying to fix you is inevitable, particularly with my background. However, "don't be so hard on yourself" always feels like a kick in the gut. It's essentially saying, "You need to have unconditional love for yourself," and since it's applied in the negative, it means, "You lack unconditional love." It is intended as helpful, but the fact is the person simply can't get into the mind of someone who's struggling. There are some helpful tips for this though.

1. Don't overshare.

People who are pitied often overshare, according to one Quora post.

2. If someone accepts you, that's enough

We do need validation in small doses, but it doesn't mean we need it from everyone. We really do need one person out there to unconditionally love us, and seeking that is not selfish. Nor is it a sign of insecurity. I have found that, but not everyone has. Keep looking and don't feel bad about it.

3. Communicate that you require respect

Some people in my life used to walk all over me. I was a doormat. I decided to advocate for myself by saying, "I have a mental illness, as you know.  I need you to be nice to me to reduce my stress levels. Even if it doesn't feel natural to you, it will help me greatly. Please do this." People generally comply. Those who don't, usually disrespect everyone around them, not just you.