You Do Not Have Sunshine On a Cloudy Day, Because Of The Clouds.

When it's cold outside, you only have the month of May if it happens to be a cold day in May. Besides, even that is semantically inaccurate because May is not in your possession. It is equally May for everyone, unless you are in different timezones and it is still April in one region or has already become June in another region.



To change topics a little, the Steve Miller Band was quoted as saying, "Abra-abra-cadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya." Are they talking about me? Why do they want to grab me? I don't know what they're talking about. It doesn't make sense.

Ivan the Terrible, But At What?

If Ivan the Terrible were named that because he was terrible at checkers, it would be better if he were named Ivan the Terrible Checkers Player.



Of course, that would take away from his atrocities. He couldn’t have been terrible with everything. There might have been something he was very good at. For example, he was probably very good at being fearsome. That’s why historically he was also known as Ivan the Fearsome. Realistically, we could call him, “Ivan the Terrific,” if the thing he is terrific at is understood to be his fearsomeness.

I personally approve of such titles. They should be utilized more often, as in the case of Ronald the Magnificent in reference to Ronald Reagan. There could be other names, like Clinton the Hun, or Bush the Mediocre. Why not add some regality to our system which has become far too casual?

Today the word for such things is, “epic.” The word “epic” itself is not very epic, and connotes a sort of casualness which belies its very meaning, like an oxymoron.

Chess Wit

Chess is a battle of wits. For example,  I was in Washington Square Park and I challenged a chess shark to a game of chess, and I said, “what’s the wager?” and he said, “it’s not a gamble, it’s a fee.” He was likely trying to outwit me psychologically so that I would be a weaker chess opponent. My friend said, “you mean like you give chess lessons? How much is it?” he put away his chessboard and called my friends and I, “a bunch of fucking nerds.” He clearly outwitted us again, while not even using his chess pieces.

Then there was the instance when I found out a girl I liked was in admiration of chess players, and went out with a well-known one. Being a chess player myself, I invited her to a chess club where we might play a game and enjoy a conversation. She said, “I don’t like to play chess.” Checkmate.

Then finally there was the brashest instance of chess wit, when I was playing a game of chess and my opponent began breastfeeding. On the topic of breastfeeding in public I have to say that I don’t care very much, but when it comes to games of chess, I believe breastfeeding should be banned. My opponent's husband was kibitzing the game, and said, "are you looking at my wife's chest?" It was right near the pieces, so I could neither look at the pieces, nor look away (as that would mean I might lose the game). I won the game, with much concentration, but I still oppose this form of psychological gambit.

Are Squirrels Communists?

Squirrels may be socialists, or even to the extreme you could call them communists. They bury their acorns in the commons of our backyard, only to reap what little they can randomly, forgetting who they planted the acorns for. It is a pathetically inefficient system, what I am calling the squirrel socialist regime.

Do not vote for any squirrel who is running for office. Actually, squirrels generally do not run for office. You probably already knew that. In fact, I would say there is over a 99% chance that you believed with over 99% certainty that squirrels have never run for a major office in any country in the history of the world. However, in case you didn’t, or in case they ever decide to, by some freak of nature, do not vote for a squirrel, unless you are a communist. If you do not believe my argument that squirrels are communists, take a look at the furs they walk around in, like those people in the cold communist tundras. There is a distinct chance, though at a very low likelihood of probability, that this will convince you.

It is also possible that they emulate the behavior of communists without actually being communists. In fact, this argument is tenable. I think there is also the possibility that you are also a communist, so that you may sympathize with these red squirrels.

It is also possible that this argument is wrong, and that they are not communists. There are actually two distinct possibilities. 1. Squirrels are communists. 2. Squirrels are not communists.

He Wouldn't Be The Pope If He Used Dope

He wouldn’t be the Pope if he used dope. That’s why popes never dope. One is not tested for performance enhancing mystical drugs like LSD when becoming pope, but the pope happens to be pure.

That does not mean he is the real pope. For example, I know four people who have claims to the papacy. One is colin. He is Pope Hogan, ordained by Donny. It was not necessarily an authentic ordination, but he retains the papacy for himself nonetheless.

I too am a Pope ordained by Donny. I sometimes call myself the Ultimate Pope. I have wrestled Pope Hogan. We began with feats of strength, whereby we drank jabanero pepper sauce, spoonful after spoonful to see who was more tolerant. It was not I. Then the next feat of strength was the wrestling match, whereby Pope Hogan was offered a draw. He declined, and there was a near war of attrition as I, the Ultimate Pope, tried to lift up Pope Hogan for a piledriver. As I lost my steam, after a 30 minute wrestling battle, he pinned me and Pope Hogan came out victorious. We had an eating contest, where the food of choice was carrots, where I came out with a sensational victory as my Pope-like asceticism won out over colin’s Antipope-like licentiousness. I defeated him in several other challenges, and also he defeated me in several other challenges. It is a tossup as to who is the real pope between us, but I feel that I have a stronger claim to the papacy than him due to my ethical aspirations.

I ordained two Bobs as bishops, because in my somewhat fragile papacy only Bobs can be bishops. One of these Bobs said, “But the pope is infallible, so I’m going to be the Pope too.”

Also, a lady named Alice ordained herself as the Pope. That makes a total of five popes, four of which are Antipopes. The four popes other than me should be rightly called Antipopes and me the real Pope if you consider that I alone am the center of my own existence. No one else in the universe can claim to be the center of my existence. Indeed, my existence is rightly Jeff-o-centric.

Evidently, colin’s existence is colin-o-centric, but since I am Jeff, it makes more sense for a Jeff-o-centric universe to be correct. Only I can make this argument using my particular variable, while the four other popes could conceivably make it with their own variables in their places.

Pope Francis has the most recognized claim to the papacy, though I don’t necessarily believe that makes him a better Pope than me. In fact, I call him AntiPope Francis.

The End.