He Wouldn't Be The Pope If He Used Dope

He wouldn’t be the Pope if he used dope. That’s why popes never dope. One is not tested for performance enhancing mystical drugs like LSD when becoming pope, but the pope happens to be pure.

That does not mean he is the real pope. For example, I know four people who have claims to the papacy. One is colin. He is Pope Hogan, ordained by Donny. It was not necessarily an authentic ordination, but he retains the papacy for himself nonetheless.

I too am a Pope ordained by Donny. I sometimes call myself the Ultimate Pope. I have wrestled Pope Hogan. We began with feats of strength, whereby we drank jabanero pepper sauce, spoonful after spoonful to see who was more tolerant. It was not I. Then the next feat of strength was the wrestling match, whereby Pope Hogan was offered a draw. He declined, and there was a near war of attrition as I, the Ultimate Pope, tried to lift up Pope Hogan for a piledriver. As I lost my steam, after a 30 minute wrestling battle, he pinned me and Pope Hogan came out victorious. We had an eating contest, where the food of choice was carrots, where I came out with a sensational victory as my Pope-like asceticism won out over colin’s Antipope-like licentiousness. I defeated him in several other challenges, and also he defeated me in several other challenges. It is a tossup as to who is the real pope between us, but I feel that I have a stronger claim to the papacy than him due to my ethical aspirations.

I ordained two Bobs as bishops, because in my somewhat fragile papacy only Bobs can be bishops. One of these Bobs said, “But the pope is infallible, so I’m going to be the Pope too.”

Also, a lady named Alice ordained herself as the Pope. That makes a total of five popes, four of which are Antipopes. The four popes other than me should be rightly called Antipopes and me the real Pope if you consider that I alone am the center of my own existence. No one else in the universe can claim to be the center of my existence. Indeed, my existence is rightly Jeff-o-centric.

Evidently, colin’s existence is colin-o-centric, but since I am Jeff, it makes more sense for a Jeff-o-centric universe to be correct. Only I can make this argument using my particular variable, while the four other popes could conceivably make it with their own variables in their places.

Pope Francis has the most recognized claim to the papacy, though I don’t necessarily believe that makes him a better Pope than me. In fact, I call him AntiPope Francis.

The End.