Being Easy On Yourself When You Have Mental Illness

I am often told, "Don't be so hard on yourself." What does this mean, though? In my view, there is an aspect of bipolar where we are perpetually misunderstood. Some say people with my situation seek validation and approval, while others say we are too hard on ourselves. I think that is missing the point slightly. Actually, I am also an Al-anon, an adult child of an alcoholic. Part of this thinking is that my mind is very dark, but I let people in often. When I do, they feel sorry for me. It's not that I'm unhappy. I just have a different way of processing. https://coaisathing.com/2018/07/04/stop-trying-to-fix-me/ . This was written about here. People trying to fix you is inevitable, particularly with my background. However, "don't be so hard on yourself" always feels like a kick in the gut. It's essentially saying, "You need to have unconditional love for yourself," and since it's applied in the negative, it means, "You lack unconditional love." It is intended as helpful, but the fact is the person simply can't get into the mind of someone who's struggling. There are some helpful tips for this though.

1. Don't overshare.

People who are pitied often overshare, according to one Quora post.

2. If someone accepts you, that's enough

We do need validation in small doses, but it doesn't mean we need it from everyone. We really do need one person out there to unconditionally love us, and seeking that is not selfish. Nor is it a sign of insecurity. I have found that, but not everyone has. Keep looking and don't feel bad about it.

3. Communicate that you require respect

Some people in my life used to walk all over me. I was a doormat. I decided to advocate for myself by saying, "I have a mental illness, as you know.  I need you to be nice to me to reduce my stress levels. Even if it doesn't feel natural to you, it will help me greatly. Please do this." People generally comply. Those who don't, usually disrespect everyone around them, not just you.

Bipolar and mood journals

I was once saved from mania by a mood journal. I think you can do the same thing, if you have bipolar and are intent on regulating it. As I tracked my moods daily, I started to notice that as I was tracking my "frustration" levels on the mood journal, they started going up considerably. I noticed that my moods shifted abruptly towards a "4 out of 4" on frustration and a "3 out of 4" on grandiosity. I was escalating with my enlightened/unenlightened grandiosity. That is, I started to think that I was enlightened, or I started to think, "I've overcome the idea of enlightenment, and therefore I'm enlightened, but I've overcome that," ad infinitum. It was almost like a racing thought. I soon went to my psychiatrist who upped my meds after I nervously explained how I was feeling. He told me they would curb my frustration. It worked.

There was more going on at the time. After I went to my therapy appointment, I discovered that I had recently lost sleep because I was planning to go skydiving. Solution? Don't do anything crazy. Don't jump out of a plane. Sure, the jump would be safe, but the mania would not be. Then, I also had a problem with a mentor of mine who basically eviscerated me. Solution? Don't talk to this person again. There are lots of things you can do when your interpersonal relationships are moving towards stress.

Mood journals are available via DBSA. http://www.facingus.org. They have many questions each day you can fill out, and for me I feel proud after completing it because I'm tracking my health. If you're more private you can do it on your own, on paper. I don't think they misuse your info, but it's up to you. It is very helpful for those intent on managing bipolar.

I end this by saying good luck as you manage bipolar. For me, it's a journey. It's almost a mythic quest, minus the grandeur. It's a purpose, and a good one. I didn't ask to have bipolar, but there are things I can do about it. I can track my moods, I can go to my appointments, I can take my meds, and I can look out for stressors and life changes. Good luck to you in your journey.

sarvam atmavasham sukham

sarvam paravasham dukham

sarvam atmavasham sukham

sarve mangalam bhavatu

sarvam atmavasham mangalam

sarve atmavasham bhavatu

I Will Write Down My Expenses This Month

This month I'm going to write down everything I spend, as one blogger puts it, all the way down to a bottle of soda. I actually buy a lot of soda so that's not nothing. I mostly buy food, but it's expensive food. I'll see if that can reduce my spending and increase the amount of money I have.

When I really recorded my eating habits, my calories were reduced just from doing that. I gained most of the weight back but also put on a lot of muscle from lifting. So I'll see if the same can happen with writing down my expenses. Maybe just having to go through the hassle of recording it will make me save. It is an experiment.

PART 2 (July 21st 2019)

I wrote down my expenses for a month. I showed you the "before" picture, what I was thinking and everything. Now is the aftermath. I cut down my fast food expenses a lot. Some days I managed to go from spending 20 dollars a day to maybe $2.12 a day. The $2.12 would be on a bottle of soda or something. Some days I didn't even spend any money at all. 0 dollars. That feels really good to see in an Excel spreadsheet.

It made me a little more aware of how much money I was taking in. I decided to apply for a second job as I tracked my expenses.

Overall, I think it can't hurt to do this kind of thing. Tracking your behavior is a good way to improve. I have tracked my calories through www.myfitnesspal.com, I've tracked my moods through www.facingus.org, and now I track my finances. Actually, part 3 shall be looking for apps to track finances.

Bipolar and appearance

I read an article today stating that your eyes are more dazzling when manic. https://www.bphope.com/blog/your-eyes-hold-the-clues-how-to-read-the-eyes-to-spot-euphoric-and-dysphoric-bipolar-disorder-mania/
That seems to be true for me too. When I am manic people look at me and smile at me all the time. They start conversations with me out of nowhere, and I talk to them out of nowhere too. It is a full connective experience. However, it ends up strongly infringing on people's boundaries. People have even said they felt very connected to me during those states. So it is a loss, not being willing to go there. Maybe it is possible to be sane and also have the connectedness of the mania, but who knows? I suspect it's possible. One thing I'll say is that even while in samsaric, boring day-to-day life it is good to shave, get an occasional haircut, shower every day, and wear decent clothes.

I recommend the kind of unwanted self-care that people are too lazy to do, to anyone with mental illness. Sure, people even without bipolar enjoy sitting around eating pizza and playing video games. As I say a lot, though, it's not a game for us. We can't be lazy about our self-care because our lives depend on it. So it's important to shave every day, to shower every day, to exercise regularly, and to eat a little healthier than you usually would.

Attempting to Perfectly Manage Bipolar

I am working on staying busy. I saw an article by a prominent bipolar author saying this is not the secret to success. I am starting to disagree, but it depends on your issues. My issue with stagnation is psychomotor agitation. I can handle this by having a very strict to-do list where I find things that inspire behavior. However, I do not mean disrespect toward the author who said that. I just think we can move beyond our disorder and really thrive.

If you have a routine, I think that working hard is very helpful. It's not just that you should frantically run around doing stuff. Instead, it's good to have a plan and then do what you say you were going to do. That builds confidence. It's an age-old tactic.

Attempting the Absurd: Perfectly Managing Bipolar. Personal hygiene

I've always been very laid back about my hygiene. I would shower every day and brush my teeth twice a day. I would wear deodorant. However, I would also not clean my room, I would not do my laundry until I had absolutely no clean clothes left, and I would wear wrinkled clothes. Taking pride in my appearance seems to be a key step in managing bipolar. I recognize that wearing outlandish clothing could be a fashion statement, but it is not so for me. Why? It is not a game anymore. After going insane several times, the risks are too high. It's OK to be normal. It's OK to be a conformist. I never really will be bland anyway. So I might as well try my best to take pride in my appearance. It's a good thing to shave every day if you can. All of these things help to build motivation and self esteem. The self esteem built here might not be the secure self esteem of feeling unconditional love, but even what social psychologists call "insecure self-esteem" does have its place. Being presentable is worthwhile just to recover from what is no longer a game. It is serious now. Don't go crazy.

I think most people with mental illness could follow this self-care tip and it would be helpful. I've seen it written about elsewhere.

https://www.bphope.com/blog/are-you-taking-care-of-your-hygiene-during-bipolar-mood-swings/

Good luck.