This sentence is a half-truth.

This sentence is a half-truth. 

A Second Epistemological Nightmare

I was insane. I believed I was an enlightened being. I eventually came back to reality. I began studying Zen meditation due to my initial spiritual yearnings. I heard that everyone was Buddha, so I said to the Zen master:

"I think I had Dai Kensho.” That meant enlightenment. I described my experience.

"What you just described has NOTHING to do with Dai Kensho!”

"I think I’m Buddha."

"A Buddha never says, “I am Buddha.” He said.

"I’m special,” I said.

"No."

"It’s good to try to be special”

“No.”

By "enlightened" I meant unconditionally acceptable and so forth, so I said:

"By enlightened I mean unconditionally acceptable."

"You are that, but leave Buddha out of it," he said.

It was very distressing. I came to hate the whole process, and the teacher. I saw a psychologist about it.

"I think I'm the best."

"It's OK to think that," said the psychologist.

"My Zen teacher won't say I'm the best,"

“It’s more important to trust yourself,” she said.

"The Zen teacher is 100% certain, and said that it's a fact that I'm not the best."

"The Zen teacher's being true to himself," said the psychologist.

I used every kind of logic to figure this out, just as the empirical epistemologist did. Then upon reading his account for the 10th time, I emailed Raymond Smullyan, the 95 year old author, magician, pianist, Taoist, logician who wrote the story. He responded with silence. He was basically a wizard. But then I realized.

I didn't really believe I was enlightened. Last time I believed that, I was insane. Then I was doubtful about own beliefs. I didn’t even believe that I had beliefs about it. I didn't even believe that I was happy, even when I said I was happy, which the Zen master also pointed out.

He told me not to follow him. Still, however, I trusted the Zen master. This led to the empirical epistemologist’s nightmare. I listened to him saying not to listen to him, so I was still listening to him.

The voice in my head lingered. I kept saying, “I’m enlightened,” followed by the echoes of the Zen master saying, “just saying that means you’re far from enlightenment.” This haunted me for years, until one day my “I’m enlightened” voice got fed up with the “Zen master” voice and stopped talking to him. Both voices remained but they weren’t on speaking terms, and so I was cured. Stephen Wright had an old joke with the same wording as this, but it suddenly rang true for me.  

The Zen master was a good and reliable Zen master. The problem came when I used him to prove my own existence. It turned into Smullyan’s “cybernetic wobble.” The Zen master never said he wasn’t a good teacher.  He  only said I shouldn’t listen to him, and he was right.

To lose weight on antipsychotics, try staying hungry

There was a great post about general health and why being hungry sometimes isn't the worst thing.

https://paleoleap.com/how-and-why-to-get-comfortable-with-hunger/

Basically, we often think we're hungry when we're really just having cravings, and we never experience real hunger. If you really are starving or even very hungry, you should eat. However, a craving is something you don't need to indulge.

I was recently upped with my Depakote from 750 mg to 1000 mg a day. I soon gained 10 pounds, though my waist size fortunately is close to the same. Still, I exercise 3 days a week, walk every day, eat vegetarian, take protein supplements, and log my calories. What am I doing wrong? Well, with Depakote, there are metabolic factors. Therefore, the only answer is to sometimes let myself be hungry. The hunger is illusory in that it's just an extreme craving brought about by medication. My metabolism is slowed down so I know I don't really need the food. It's very unpleasant, but it'll pay off with with greater health, status, wellbeing, and insecure confidence. By insecure I mean it's no replacement for feeling like a good person, which has nothing to do with how much I weigh.


Of course, if you're anorexic don't follow that advice. Use common sense. Don't starve yourself. I'd recommend at least 1500 calories a day, which is a lot less than what I usually eat with the medicine.

Another piece of advice: Chew slowly. Chewing more times is not necessary, but the rate at which you chew food will help. So for example, if I chew 10 times in 5 seconds, change it to 10 times in 20 seconds. This causes you to really enjoy the food more after you adjust to it over a few days. You'll also eat less.

Vignettes

I was reading aloud at an Al Anon meeting, and someone at the church upstairs was playing bass guitar. I started reading on pace with the guitar. “We’re going, to know, a new happiness – and a new freedom. We’ll intuitively know, how to deal with situations, which used, to baffle us. We’ll suddenly realize, that God, is doing for us, what we could not do, for ourselves. Are these, extravagant promises? We think not.”

I told my friend who goes to AA about this, and he said, "We are not a glum lot."

Opening up on the outbreath

It's not good to trail off. I recently watched a voice training video about trailing off. The written version is here:

http://www.voiceandspeech.com/articles/trailing-off.html

When you trail off as you speak, people don't listen to you. If you start opening up on the last word, you're compelling. There are other keys to not trailing off, but that's the one I'm focusing on. I noticed that when I meditate in the same spirit, my meditation is more pleasurable and enjoyable. Open up at the end. Here's the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMVutzVQ00o

Becoming Happy by Feeling your Body - Emotion Mapping Feedback Hypothesis

I came up with a theory today as I was reading about the Emotion Mapping theory. Apparently we feel our emotions in different parts of the body. You can see above that we feel happiness as physiological arousal or response throughout the body, and love as most of the body with more on the top. The other emotions are mostly top, with deactivation on the bottom.

What if we intentionally made our bottom halves respond? What if we created activation like the happiness map? I tried this today and I was happy all day. I had my dad, who is depressed, try it, and he said he felt relaxed. It's worth studying in a lab, but as I am not currently in a lab it's for thought only.

Hakuin, the 16th century Zen master, came up with a meditation where he kept focus and the idea of heat on the bottom half of his body. This is similar to the happiness map. Why not make our bodies correspond to happiness, that way we can just be happy all time?

Of course, disgust, anxiety, and rumination may pop up now and again. Here's where mindfulness training helps. Bring your attention back to the bottom of your body, with some attention on the top as well. Feel the happiness there. This happiness may be shallow, but it's still happiness. It's meaningless happiness, but it is borne of knowledge rather than wishful thinking.

The facial feedback hypothesis says that if we smile, we become happy. Some researchers have discredited this original test. However, smiling is only the topmost part of the body. What if we smiled with out feet, our torsos, and our faces? Maybe that's a quick happiness hack.

Being Easy On Yourself When You Have Mental Illness

I am often told, "Don't be so hard on yourself." What does this mean, though? In my view, there is an aspect of bipolar where we are perpetually misunderstood. Some say people with my situation seek validation and approval, while others say we are too hard on ourselves. I think that is missing the point slightly. Actually, I am also an Al-anon, an adult child of an alcoholic. Part of this thinking is that my mind is very dark, but I let people in often. When I do, they feel sorry for me. It's not that I'm unhappy. I just have a different way of processing. https://coaisathing.com/2018/07/04/stop-trying-to-fix-me/ . This was written about here. People trying to fix you is inevitable, particularly with my background. However, "don't be so hard on yourself" always feels like a kick in the gut. It's essentially saying, "You need to have unconditional love for yourself," and since it's applied in the negative, it means, "You lack unconditional love." It is intended as helpful, but the fact is the person simply can't get into the mind of someone who's struggling. There are some helpful tips for this though.

1. Don't overshare.

People who are pitied often overshare, according to one Quora post.

2. If someone accepts you, that's enough

We do need validation in small doses, but it doesn't mean we need it from everyone. We really do need one person out there to unconditionally love us, and seeking that is not selfish. Nor is it a sign of insecurity. I have found that, but not everyone has. Keep looking and don't feel bad about it.

3. Communicate that you require respect

Some people in my life used to walk all over me. I was a doormat. I decided to advocate for myself by saying, "I have a mental illness, as you know.  I need you to be nice to me to reduce my stress levels. Even if it doesn't feel natural to you, it will help me greatly. Please do this." People generally comply. Those who don't, usually disrespect everyone around them, not just you.

Bipolar and mood journals

I was once saved from mania by a mood journal. I think you can do the same thing, if you have bipolar and are intent on regulating it. As I tracked my moods daily, I started to notice that as I was tracking my "frustration" levels on the mood journal, they started going up considerably. I noticed that my moods shifted abruptly towards a "4 out of 4" on frustration and a "3 out of 4" on grandiosity. I was escalating with my enlightened/unenlightened grandiosity. That is, I started to think that I was enlightened, or I started to think, "I've overcome the idea of enlightenment, and therefore I'm enlightened, but I've overcome that," ad infinitum. It was almost like a racing thought. I soon went to my psychiatrist who upped my meds after I nervously explained how I was feeling. He told me they would curb my frustration. It worked.

There was more going on at the time. After I went to my therapy appointment, I discovered that I had recently lost sleep because I was planning to go skydiving. Solution? Don't do anything crazy. Don't jump out of a plane. Sure, the jump would be safe, but the mania would not be. Then, I also had a problem with a mentor of mine who basically eviscerated me. Solution? Don't talk to this person again. There are lots of things you can do when your interpersonal relationships are moving towards stress.

Mood journals are available via DBSA. http://www.facingus.org. They have many questions each day you can fill out, and for me I feel proud after completing it because I'm tracking my health. If you're more private you can do it on your own, on paper. I don't think they misuse your info, but it's up to you. It is very helpful for those intent on managing bipolar.

I end this by saying good luck as you manage bipolar. For me, it's a journey. It's almost a mythic quest, minus the grandeur. It's a purpose, and a good one. I didn't ask to have bipolar, but there are things I can do about it. I can track my moods, I can go to my appointments, I can take my meds, and I can look out for stressors and life changes. Good luck to you in your journey.

sarvam atmavasham sukham

sarvam paravasham dukham

sarvam atmavasham sukham

sarve mangalam bhavatu

sarvam atmavasham mangalam

sarve atmavasham bhavatu

I Will Write Down My Expenses This Month

This month I'm going to write down everything I spend, as one blogger puts it, all the way down to a bottle of soda. I actually buy a lot of soda so that's not nothing. I mostly buy food, but it's expensive food. I'll see if that can reduce my spending and increase the amount of money I have.

When I really recorded my eating habits, my calories were reduced just from doing that. I gained most of the weight back but also put on a lot of muscle from lifting. So I'll see if the same can happen with writing down my expenses. Maybe just having to go through the hassle of recording it will make me save. It is an experiment.

PART 2 (July 21st 2019)

I wrote down my expenses for a month. I showed you the "before" picture, what I was thinking and everything. Now is the aftermath. I cut down my fast food expenses a lot. Some days I managed to go from spending 20 dollars a day to maybe $2.12 a day. The $2.12 would be on a bottle of soda or something. Some days I didn't even spend any money at all. 0 dollars. That feels really good to see in an Excel spreadsheet.

It made me a little more aware of how much money I was taking in. I decided to apply for a second job as I tracked my expenses.

Overall, I think it can't hurt to do this kind of thing. Tracking your behavior is a good way to improve. I have tracked my calories through www.myfitnesspal.com, I've tracked my moods through www.facingus.org, and now I track my finances. Actually, part 3 shall be looking for apps to track finances.

Bipolar and appearance

I read an article today stating that your eyes are more dazzling when manic. https://www.bphope.com/blog/your-eyes-hold-the-clues-how-to-read-the-eyes-to-spot-euphoric-and-dysphoric-bipolar-disorder-mania/
That seems to be true for me too. When I am manic people look at me and smile at me all the time. They start conversations with me out of nowhere, and I talk to them out of nowhere too. It is a full connective experience. However, it ends up strongly infringing on people's boundaries. People have even said they felt very connected to me during those states. So it is a loss, not being willing to go there. Maybe it is possible to be sane and also have the connectedness of the mania, but who knows? I suspect it's possible. One thing I'll say is that even while in samsaric, boring day-to-day life it is good to shave, get an occasional haircut, shower every day, and wear decent clothes.

I recommend the kind of unwanted self-care that people are too lazy to do, to anyone with mental illness. Sure, people even without bipolar enjoy sitting around eating pizza and playing video games. As I say a lot, though, it's not a game for us. We can't be lazy about our self-care because our lives depend on it. So it's important to shave every day, to shower every day, to exercise regularly, and to eat a little healthier than you usually would.

Attempting to Perfectly Manage Bipolar

I am working on staying busy. I saw an article by a prominent bipolar author saying this is not the secret to success. I am starting to disagree, but it depends on your issues. My issue with stagnation is psychomotor agitation. I can handle this by having a very strict to-do list where I find things that inspire behavior. However, I do not mean disrespect toward the author who said that. I just think we can move beyond our disorder and really thrive.

If you have a routine, I think that working hard is very helpful. It's not just that you should frantically run around doing stuff. Instead, it's good to have a plan and then do what you say you were going to do. That builds confidence. It's an age-old tactic.

Attempting the Absurd: Perfectly Managing Bipolar. Personal hygiene

I've always been very laid back about my hygiene. I would shower every day and brush my teeth twice a day. I would wear deodorant. However, I would also not clean my room, I would not do my laundry until I had absolutely no clean clothes left, and I would wear wrinkled clothes. Taking pride in my appearance seems to be a key step in managing bipolar. I recognize that wearing outlandish clothing could be a fashion statement, but it is not so for me. Why? It is not a game anymore. After going insane several times, the risks are too high. It's OK to be normal. It's OK to be a conformist. I never really will be bland anyway. So I might as well try my best to take pride in my appearance. It's a good thing to shave every day if you can. All of these things help to build motivation and self esteem. The self esteem built here might not be the secure self esteem of feeling unconditional love, but even what social psychologists call "insecure self-esteem" does have its place. Being presentable is worthwhile just to recover from what is no longer a game. It is serious now. Don't go crazy.

I think most people with mental illness could follow this self-care tip and it would be helpful. I've seen it written about elsewhere.

https://www.bphope.com/blog/are-you-taking-care-of-your-hygiene-during-bipolar-mood-swings/

Good luck.

Attempting the Absurd, Achieving the Impossible: Perfectly Managing Bipolar (Not successful yet)

My life's goal, besides continuing to teach psychology, is to completely manage my bipolar symptoms. I don't want a cure where I can stop taking medicine, but I want to never have a manic episode again. I have had about 8 of them. I am 32. If I have another one, it is not a failure. It is just another attempt that has not yet been successful. TAKE YOUR MEDS. That's step 1 to curing bipolar. Even if you don't go crazy anymore, you need the meds as a perfect insurance policy.

1. TAKE YOUR MEDS, for your father's sake
2. Keep sleep hygiene
3. Choose friends carefully
4. Choose lovers especially carefully (Work in progress on this one)
5. Eat healthy (Also a work in progress)
6. Take vitamins
7. Take Omega 3
8. Listen to your conscience (this was a Buddhist guru's advice)
9. Have a job that is engaging that doesn't ask you to work crazy hours. Don't do overnights.
10. Limit caffeine
11. Don't drink alcohol
12. Don't smoke
13. Don't do drugs
14. Take care of your family
15. Exercise
16. I like to meditate. You don't have to. But I do
17. Go to therapy
18. Go to support groups

If I can not have episodes for 10 years straight, I'll consider that a milestone. I will still take my meds and do all of these steps. I am driven. Now I have a real goal. I can do it. I have faith. And if not? A quote about Don Quijote in a similar vein:

Solo el que ensaya lo absurdo es capaz de conquistar lo imposible.

Only those who attempt the absurd are capable of achieving the impossible - Miguel de Unam